"Wish we could turn back time
To the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but
Now we're stressed out"
- Stressed Out, TØP
I'm spending the night at a cozy little inn not too far from my actual home. after doing a bit of studying for an upcoming physics test, I decide to turn in early to get some rest before whatever my parents have planned for tomorrow.
an alarm goes off outside our room.
now, I'm the kind of person who usually assumes the worst when it comes to emergencies. but let's face it, most alarms in hotels/inns are associated with fires.
my parents are out at some event, something I assume is not too far from this hotel. that leaves me to take charge in this possible emergency. instinctively, I hoist my brother over my shoulder, grab my room key and phone, and exit the room posthaste.
the term "ear-splitting" has never made too much sense to me before tonight. the alarm is pretty close to our room, and I'm not sure if the terror is enhancing its volume, but it is louder than anything I remember hearing.
strangely, the only person I run into outside is a man who looks like he's also gotten out of bed to check the source of the disturbance. after wandering around the hall a bit, we track the sound to an emergency exit near our room, which must have been triggered somehow.
the sound stops shortly afterward. relieved, I return to our room and tap the key to the scanner. to my dismay, the door has somehow become unresponsive to my card. I tap it several more times in vain, wondering why the system isn't working.
at this point, I'm pretty frustrated. I'd been freaked out pretty badly by a false alarm. my brother isn't as easy to carry around as he used to be. I had taken extra care to grab the key in spite of my sense of panic and it hadn't helped at all.
dismayed, I lug my brother down to the front desk and pick up new keys. I return to our room, place my brother back in bed, and settle down on the bed to stare at the fireplace.
things like these shake me up pretty badly. right now I'm on edge, flinching at every small sound and worrying that the alarm will sound off again.
hopefully it's just a random stroke of bad luck. I don't need this sort of stress in my life.
but I do need to be strong in emergencies (even those that turn out to be false alarms) and know how to protect myself and my family.
if I can figure that out, it'll be one less thing to worry about.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Saturday, October 7, 2017
😅 socializing
"It's always about this backseat doubt
Introvert life, if you could figure it out"
- Introvert, The Ludwigs
fun fact: if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm an introvert. I used to think I was an ambivert, but according to an Internet quiz I took, I'm not. and you know, the Internet is always right.
Introvert life, if you could figure it out"
- Introvert, The Ludwigs
fun fact: if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm an introvert. I used to think I was an ambivert, but according to an Internet quiz I took, I'm not. and you know, the Internet is always right.
it doesn't bother me that much though. what people don't really get is that for me, it's more of a choice rather than full-on social anxiety (which I feel is not really something you can self-diagnose). it's not that I can't talk to other people, it's more like I really don't want to.
that's not to say I don't have moments of anxiety or internal freak-outs during social interactions. I will spend days, months, years obsessing over obscure details of long-forgotten conversations. every time I talk to someone new, I have to hope and pray I don't make a fool of myself. usually, things go well, but there's always the looming possibility that everything crashes and burns. hey, I'm pretty sure it's happened before.
as long as the confessions keep rolling in, here's another one - I don't enjoy small talk. like, at all. especially in college, where when you meet new people, you always get the same questions: what year are you in? where are you from? what are you majoring in? I am so fricking sick of being asked what my major is. not to be a dip, but why does matter? what happened to asking about favorite colors? or favorite... numbers? or favorite...... shapes?
the first time I can remember hearing the term "breaking out of one's shell" is in 7th grade, where my teacher was talking about how she was proud of me being more social or whatever. I was a pretty shy/quiet kid in 5th/6th grade, so I guess I was becoming a more outgoing person?
see, but ever since then, my social life has been going on a downward trend. recently I uncovered a memento from 8th grade, a brief self-written overview on my strengths and weaknesses. I wrote down that I needed to "work on my socialism", which goes to show how much (more) of an idiot I was back in the day. *cry-laughing emoji*
in any case, when I got to high school, I was planning to make a bunch of new friends. 'cause you know, meeting new people! yay!
spoiler alert: things got worse.
most of my friends from middle school who also went to my high school had found other friend groups, groups of people I didn't really know too well. I was having a hard time finding a group of people I could hang out with, people with whom I could have convos without being too stressed. I was friending people left and right on FB, but not really friending anyone IRL.
life was pretty rough for a while. I questioned whether or not my high school was right for me. I listened to a lot of trashy electronic music. I ate lunch in the fricking bathroom, for frick's sake. yes, things were pretty sucky.
I found my way. eventually. soon I had good acquaintances in all of my classes. I returned to my alt-rock/indie-pop roots. I moved to the art room for lunch, and eventually to the cafeteria. things were great!
and then I graduated.
most of my good friends are attending different colleges rn. which means that I've had to start from scratch in finding new pals and whatnot.
did I meet new people last year? yes. did I make friends? um, kind of? did I make friends with whom I hang out and talk to on a regular basis? no, definitely not.
as you can see, this social backslide has been going on for quite some time. I became more introverted upon entering high school, and now that I'm in college I'm like a hermit. I don't know, man. maybe I'm just really bad at making friends.
one of my friends from high school (I know, the idea of me having friends is shocking) told me that all squads should consist of an even number of people, so as to prevent people from being left out in conversations. I found his statement really interesting, and since then I've wondered, what happens when there's an "odd one out"?
the conclusion I've come to is that with most groups, there will be one person who's kind of distant/isolated from the group - the "outsider", if you will. and sometimes, the outsider feels more comfortable being slightly separated from the group, because that's just how they are. they don't need to be the center of attention to feel included - they already do.
well, that's how it is for me, I guess. being a part of a group is already more than I could want. I think I figured this stuff out a long time ago - this is just what my life is like.
and I'm okay with it.
that's not to say I don't have moments of anxiety or internal freak-outs during social interactions. I will spend days, months, years obsessing over obscure details of long-forgotten conversations. every time I talk to someone new, I have to hope and pray I don't make a fool of myself. usually, things go well, but there's always the looming possibility that everything crashes and burns. hey, I'm pretty sure it's happened before.
as long as the confessions keep rolling in, here's another one - I don't enjoy small talk. like, at all. especially in college, where when you meet new people, you always get the same questions: what year are you in? where are you from? what are you majoring in? I am so fricking sick of being asked what my major is. not to be a dip, but why does matter? what happened to asking about favorite colors? or favorite... numbers? or favorite...... shapes?
the first time I can remember hearing the term "breaking out of one's shell" is in 7th grade, where my teacher was talking about how she was proud of me being more social or whatever. I was a pretty shy/quiet kid in 5th/6th grade, so I guess I was becoming a more outgoing person?
see, but ever since then, my social life has been going on a downward trend. recently I uncovered a memento from 8th grade, a brief self-written overview on my strengths and weaknesses. I wrote down that I needed to "work on my socialism", which goes to show how much (more) of an idiot I was back in the day. *cry-laughing emoji*
in any case, when I got to high school, I was planning to make a bunch of new friends. 'cause you know, meeting new people! yay!
spoiler alert: things got worse.
most of my friends from middle school who also went to my high school had found other friend groups, groups of people I didn't really know too well. I was having a hard time finding a group of people I could hang out with, people with whom I could have convos without being too stressed. I was friending people left and right on FB, but not really friending anyone IRL.
life was pretty rough for a while. I questioned whether or not my high school was right for me. I listened to a lot of trashy electronic music. I ate lunch in the fricking bathroom, for frick's sake. yes, things were pretty sucky.
I found my way. eventually. soon I had good acquaintances in all of my classes. I returned to my alt-rock/indie-pop roots. I moved to the art room for lunch, and eventually to the cafeteria. things were great!
and then I graduated.
most of my good friends are attending different colleges rn. which means that I've had to start from scratch in finding new pals and whatnot.
did I meet new people last year? yes. did I make friends? um, kind of? did I make friends with whom I hang out and talk to on a regular basis? no, definitely not.
as you can see, this social backslide has been going on for quite some time. I became more introverted upon entering high school, and now that I'm in college I'm like a hermit. I don't know, man. maybe I'm just really bad at making friends.
one of my friends from high school (I know, the idea of me having friends is shocking) told me that all squads should consist of an even number of people, so as to prevent people from being left out in conversations. I found his statement really interesting, and since then I've wondered, what happens when there's an "odd one out"?
the conclusion I've come to is that with most groups, there will be one person who's kind of distant/isolated from the group - the "outsider", if you will. and sometimes, the outsider feels more comfortable being slightly separated from the group, because that's just how they are. they don't need to be the center of attention to feel included - they already do.
well, that's how it is for me, I guess. being a part of a group is already more than I could want. I think I figured this stuff out a long time ago - this is just what my life is like.
and I'm okay with it.
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