"And I know things now
Many valuable things
That I hadn't known before"
- I Know Things Now, Into the Woods
Wisdom.
Wisdom is the theme of the year.
It's easy to get wisdom and knowledge mixed up sometimes, but the difference between the two becomes pretty clear when you look at them a bit more closely.
I suppose the biggest concern of wisdom would be a sort of gradual disconnection from society. Seeing the truth (or what one perceives as the truth) so clearly that it causes one to lose focus on reality.
So. What's changed over the past year?
The DC comics event I referenced last year (which I am continuing to refer to) has led to a rather interesting point in DC lore in which the very concepts of justice and doom go head-to-head. And though I can't say I've experienced any significant overflow or scarcity of justice, life sure does seem pretty doomy and gloomy, now more so than ever.
I'm still a big fan of the number four. Although I have to admit, I'm trying to put less stock in numbers and signs, for reasons that I may or may not have discussed in previous posts. I forget.
I'm also in my final year of college! Smack dab in the middle of "woohoo" and "aaaaaa"!
As if it weren't bad enough that I have no idea what I'm doing right now, now I have no idea what I'm gonna do in the future. For what it's worth, high school feels less like a distant memory and more like it never even happened. This weird state of confusion and anxiety is just a cycle that seems like it's been going on forever.
Anyway, back to the number 4 and cosmic forces.
We've run through entropy, wisdom, and mystery. Change and chaos. Dreams and nightmares. Confusion and conundrums.
And now, it's finally here. The year of wisdom. I may not be any smarter than I was last year, but I'd like to think that I'm at least a little bit wiser. Though I've learned a little bit more about myself and life itself, I'm not sure how it's gonna help me further on down the line. Even following all the paradigms I know, the old and the new... I can't help but feel lost.
I'm still facing personal failures in terms of my goals, relationships, and growth. And although I can't say it doesn't feel bad when I fail... I'm kinda used to it by now. Yes, it sucks... but it's always sucked, so why should further failures be any more demoralizing?
At this point, I've more or less given up on finding the new paradigm since I'm almost done with college anyway (knock on wood). Once I'm outta here... it'll be time to face the real world. And I can already tell that the real world will need one heckuva new paradigm.
I've made it to wisdom. Still not too sure how I feel about it. Returning to the discussion of what my most formative year of college was... I'm leaning toward this year because so far I've already kinda accepted what's to come of myself and my life. Although (even though it pains me to admit this) I do also kinda vibe with my freshman year self. He wasn't the smartest, but he sure did feel lost and alone a lot of the time. And that's kinda how I feel all the time now.
As for my sophomore and junior year selves... ahh, tough luck. They were too busy chasing false hopes to work on anything formative. And now that I've given up on hoping and the pain it ultimately brings... maybe this will be my most formative year yet!
...
Returning to my last brooding post is oddly comforting. A lot of things have changed since then, but at the same time... not much has. Even though it's a little disappointing that things haven't gotten much better... at least they haven't gotten much worse.
Neither of these posts makes any sense, huh? I imagine that if anyone stumbled onto this they'd be confused as all heck. Ah well. That's life, I guess.
2016, 2017, 2018, 2019... they all kinda sucked. In their own special ways.
2020? I'd say I'm hoping for the best and expecting the worst, but I think I'm just gonna be committing to the latter half. Hope is just another route to disappointment.
Here's to 2020. Who knows? Maybe the worst is yet to come.
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