✝ giving

"Knock and the door shall be opened unto you."
- Seek Ye First, Karen Lafferty

This past Wednesday marked the beginning of this year's season of Lent. Lent is a 40-day period where special attention is given to prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. Abstaining from meat on Fridays is also encouraged, which means that I'm probably going to become very familiar with Safeway's seafood section over the next couple of months.

It's a Lenten tradition to give up something that one cherishes for those 40 days. Some people give up chocolate. Some people give up alcohol. I once heard of someone who gave up rice (I could do that, but it wouldn't be very fun for me). The things I've given up over the past 10 years or so have been fairly standard - Twitter, soda, Instagram, dubstep, Facebook games, etc. One year I got lazy and tried to give up negative thinking, but that didn't go so well (obviously).

One year, I decided to do something a little different. I decided to read a random passage of the Bible every night and have a brief moment of prayer/meditation. I'm really glad I made that decision because I got to discover many Scripture passages that I ponder and internalize to this day. After Lent ended, I resolved to make this Bible time something that I would do every Sunday.

This year, I decided to do something similar. I was inspired by something that cropped up on my feed, a quotation by John Chrysostom:

“No act of virtue can be great if it is not followed by advantage for others. So, no matter how much time you spend fasting, no matter how much you sleep on a hard floor and eat ashes and sigh continually, if you do no good to others, you do nothing great.”

This really spoke to me. I hadn't given much thought to what I'd give up this year, and I was ready to resign myself to giving up chocolate (I eat chocolate way way more than I should, so it actually would've been quite the commitment). But then I got to thinking, "how is giving up chocolate a service to others?" Sure, maybe I'd start eating yogurt for dessert instead, but how would that impact anyone besides myself?

So I decided that this Lent, I'd try to do one act of kindness every day. Nothing too major - just lending a brief helping hand to people that needed it. And over the past couple of days, my acts of kindness have all tended to be the same act of service.

That's where the song comes in. "Knock and the door shall be opened unto you". When I was younger I thought this line was hilarious, because I envisioned someone knocking on a door and getting smacked in the face as the door was opened unto them. I don't find it quite so funny anymore, mainly because I got smacked in the head by a swinging door in high school once. That shiz hurt.

Anyway! Being the busy college student I am, I tend to pass through a lot of doors. And the people around me, being the busy college students they are, also tend to pass through a lot of doors. And so I thought, "why don't I try to hold doors open more often?"

It's a very simple action, and it seems like something that should be more of a common courtesy. However, I've noticed that a lot of people are always rushing to get to their next destination and often breeze through doors as quickly as they can. I must admit, I'm usually one of those people. Over the past couple days, though, I've been mindful of slowing down a bit and propping open those doors.

In a more figurative sense (because I do love symbolism), holding doors open reflects how we should strive to assist people in pursuing their dreams and reaching their full potential. When we hold open doors, we help people get to their destinations. Similarly, when we hold the needs of others before our own, we help them to thrive and do good in the world. And that's what Lent should be about, yeah?

Of course, if I get the chance to something other than holding doors open, I'll gladly help in any way I can! There are so many ways to serve others that I would never be able to participate in them all. So for now, I'll stick to making tiny changes in the world - one door at a time.

📜 catchphrasing pt. 3

"So it goes..."

- So It Goes, Taylor Swift

Coming up with phrases/expressions I use was a lot harder than I expected. I guess I just say these things to myself so often that I don’t even notice it anymore. Anyway, here’s a brief glimpse into what goes through my head much of the time…

•"Don’t get cocky, Pocky jockey."

When I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I read the book Sideways Stories from Wayside School by Louis Sachar. It was one of the funniest, wackiest things I’d ever read. Each story focused on a character from the class on the school’s 30th floor (read the book, it makes more sense). One of the characters, Terrence, was highly fond of rhyming insults. For a kid his age, he was pretty dang good at it. Or at least my child mind thought so.

I’m not mean or confrontational enough to use rhyming insults, but I do like rhyming mottos. Hence the wonderfully apt use of "cocky", "pocky", and "jockey". I’m very proud of myself for coming up with this, even though it’s pretty nonsensical if you don’t know the context. 

Sometimes, life isn’t so great. That’s fine. Sometimes, life seems to be going great. That’s bad. Sometimes, life is going great! That’s the worst.

There have been many times in my life where things are going great and I’m content with where I am. Then an unfortunate event (or a series of unfortunate events) happens and I’m sent back to square one of trying to gain some contentedness. It kinda sucks. Every time I feel happy I’m scared that my happiness will be destroyed before I have the chance to appreciate it fully. Every time I’m gifted with a great opportunity, I start envisioning all the ways it could go wrong. Every time I think too optimistically, the crushing weight of reality sets in and I return to my pessimistic ways.

Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor. Luck runs out. When it comes to life, enjoying the highs means that the lows are soon to come.

•"C’est la vie."

This sentiment is echoed in many other similar phrases, such as "that’s just how the cookie crumbles", "such is life", or "so it goes" (an expression that became widely popular when Taylor Swift invented it). Other modern examples that follow this trend include "it be like that sometimes" and the God-awful "that’s how mafia works" meme. 

Life sucks sometimes. There’s no avoiding that. The best you can do when life fricks you up is acknowledge it, accept it, and move on. Easier said than done, huh?

Of course, this shouldn’t be used as a way to write off all the terrible things that happen in life. If something super awful happens to me and someone says “well, c’est la vie!”, they’re finna get slapped in the head.

I'm kidding. If you've read any other of my posts (although let's be real, no one reads these posts) you'd know that I am terribly averse to confrontation. Slapping someone in the head is something I'd not do voluntarily (even if they really deserved it).  

Anyway, the moral of all this is that most of the time, things are bad because life is life. But this explanation doesn't cover anything. The goal, then, is to accept the bad things you can't change and focus on making positive where you can. Therein lies the difficulty.

•"There’s a lesson to be learned in any situation."

So, what’s the grand purpose of life? Why shouldn’t we Pocky jockeys be cocky? Why do it be like that sometimes? Beats me. 

But I believe the worst situations in life, even the absolute fusterclucks that seem like they’ll never end, still hold some value. I hesitate to say that these situations will always turn out okay or lead to other opportunities (see catchphrasing pt. 2), but I think that some small amount of good can still come from them. It's a strangely optimistic outlook given the depressing nature of the previous two phrases, but it's something I've found holds true for many scenarios.

Again, this is not a phrase I'd want to hear after a poor choice or an unfavorable occurrence. However, over the years I've noticed that bad situations are strangely formative. In the moment, all I can think about how much my life sucks, but after it's done I have a sense of pseudo-appreciation for the pain I had to go through. Getting through it makes me stronger.

(Good Lord. I guess I need to issue my apology to Kelly Clarkson now.)

So yeah. Sometimes the lesson is learned right after the situation. Sometimes it takes a couple of days to sink in. Sometimes it takes years to figure it out.

Perhaps someday, the sum of human experience will show us what life itself is all about. Will we ever get there? I have no idea.

Until then, I'll keep living and keep learning.

🧠 moving

"Arm stretch a tee like I nailed it
Raf movin' slow like a creep
Shirt in the breeze like I'm sailin'
And I walk in my sleep, I can't help that"
- Biking, Frank Ocean

I walk to class every morning. It's about a mile. It takes me 20 minutes or so.

When I walk to class (or pretty much anywhere), I tend to look at the ground as I'm moving. Of course, I look up enough to make sure I'm not gonna run into a lamppost or anything, but for the most part, I've come to know the sidewalk quite well.

Eye contact is scary. When I go walking in my neighborhood, sometimes the people I pass smile and greet me and I get hecka freaked out. On many unfortunate occasions, I'm caught off-guard and have to force a smile quickly, which messes up my face for a little while afterward.

When I travel back home, I usually take the bus. It's faster and I'm tired. Plus it lessens the pressure of having to cross streets and whatnot.

When I'm on the bus, I like to look at the businesses/restaurants along my school route and appreciate seeing them from a new point of view. A couple of days ago, I saw a store on my route that I had never noticed before. And I thought, "huh, why did I never see this place?"

Today I tripped while I was on my way to class. I didn't fall over, but it was still pretty embarrassing. I had my hands in my pockets (because it was cold), so if I had actually fallen, I probably would've gotten injured. But I didn't have time to stop and panic over my near-injury experience or contemplate my good fortune, because I had to get to class. So I just kept walking.

The walk seems like it would get tedious after a while, but I'm actually quite appreciative of the opportunity. It's a nice slot of time where it's just me, my thoughts, and the sidewalk. And the people around me. And the cars of the morning traffic. And, in this season, the cold cold wind. Brr!

Sometimes I'm tired and I don't want to walk. Sometimes I'm running late and I have to hustle. Sometimes I want to just throw in the towel and take the bus instead.

...

Interestingly enough, I decided to walk home today instead of taking the bus. I'm still not entirely sure why. I think it's because I wanted more content to write about for this post.

It was an interesting experience. I tried to look up more, just to see what changed. I'm not sure if things were different because I looked up, because it was evening rather than morning, or because I was walking in the opposite direction.

In any case, I noticed many things I'd never noticed during my walks to school. The brightly painted front of a restaurant. Potted plants hanging from streetlights. A clothing store with mannequins sporting the best of yeehaw fashion.

Near the end of my journey, my legs started getting tired. Most of the time, walking only hurts my feet (maybe because I'm flat-footed? who knows). But uphill walks never fail to do a number on my calves. Sure, it's only a mile-long walk. But I also had to carry my backpack (and all my emotional baggage). Also, keep in mind that if I don't have to go to class or buy groceries, I hole up in my apartment. I don't get out much.

But I pushed through. I kept on moving. I made it home.

And at the end of the day, that's really the only thing that I can do. Keep on keeping on. Keep on walking.

🧠 brooding pt. 2

"Staring straight up into the sky
Oh my my a solar system that fits
In your eye
Microcosm"
- Parallel Universe, Red Hot Chili Peppers

mystery.

mystery is the theme of the year.

i'm not talking mystery like scooby-doo or (God forbid) the atrocity known as riverdale.

i'm talking about uncovering the universe. grabbing onto the fabric of reality and tearing it open. cracking open the great secret of life itself like an incomprehensibly large egg in a cosmically profound pan.

maybe i'm getting ahead of myself.

this post was inspired by a recent dc comics event. this event revolved around what were identified as the four core energies of the universe - entropy, wonder, mystery, and wisdom. very broad concepts.

i like the number four. even more so than the number three. though if you read pretty much any of my other posts, you wouldn't know it.

the eras of my life that have shaped who i am can all be neatly sliced into 4-year subdivisions. 5th grade to 8th grade. high school. and now, i'm smack dab in the middle of college.

to be completely honest, i still have no idea what the frick i'm doing. some part of me still clings to the belief that i'm just on an extended hiatus from high school or something. the hope that someday, i'll go back to feeling like everything's back in place. but by this point, i should really know better.

anyway! back to the number 4 and cosmic eggs.

my first year of college was very entropy-centric. there was a lot of change in my life. not all of it was good. a lot of it was personally challenging. dreams were crushed. new dreams rose up. then those were crushed too. it was chaotic and it kinda sucked. like entropy.

my second year started off much the same way. dark and depressing. and then some things happened that, overall, made it pretty wonderful. i got to experience some things that i could never have imagined happening. it was amazing - magical, even. everything was great! until it wasn't. i still wonder how things went so terribly wrong.

and now we slide into the year of mystery. the biggest mystery right now for me is figuring out what happens next. i've tried clinging to the paradigms of the past in hopes that they'd show me what lies ahead. but they don't work anymore. of course they don't. why did i think they would?

i've been hit by some pretty demoralizing failures already. failures in personal goals. in personal relationships. in personal growth.

it sucks. failure always sucks.

so what's the new paradigm and how does it work? that's the million-dollar question. if i can figure that out, i might be set for the rest of college. if i don't... well, i'd rather not think about it.

wisdom's pretty far down the road from here. am i gonna make it? we'll find out, i guess.

but what worries me even more is what comes after wisdom. after college. the fourth year of each era is always the most formative. 8th grade. senior year of high school. so what will senior year of college bring? and what will come after that?

then again, it's not like i can trust paradigms anymore, huh? maybe my formative year already happened. maybe my formative year is happening right now!!

...

i started this post back in october. i only got around to finishing it now. so it's kind of a weird mishmash of a rant-y introspection post and an end-of-year thoughts post.

it didn't make sense when i started it, and it sure as heck doesn't make any sense now. i assign all sorts of weird and idiosyncratic characteristics to the world just so i can make sense of it all. even though it's probably all nonsense to anyone else.

at the end of 2016, i told myself "2017 will definitely be better".

at the end of 2017, i told myself "2018 will probably be better".

tonight, i'm telling myself "2019 is gonna suck".

i'd like to believe it won't. but that's the kinda thinking that got me where i am today.

"hope for the best, expect the worst."

here's to 2019. here's to the worst. here's to stumbling through the great mystery that is life itself.

😄♫😌 revisiting "breathing/singing/socializing pt. 2"

"Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'
I know I gotta keep, I keep on breathin'..."
- breathin, Ariana Grande

three categories again. indecision at its finest.

when i upgraded to a new choir in sophomore year of high school, it was very hard to get used to at first. reading and singing more complex music was a new experience for me. singing alongside people who had been vocally trained was pretty daunting. holding my own amongst more experienced/talented choristers was a challenge. i felt like a failure because i was so gosh-dang awful at keeping up with everything. but eventually, i found my way and even became a section leader! (kind of.) and it was so much fun! until i graduated, anyway. high school never ends, but high school choir definitely does.

anyway, to my relief, chorale is bringing that sense of joy back to me.

i always thought that i'd be too stressed in chorale to sit back and enjoy it. it's so much more challenging than high school choir. plus i worried that not being in chorale during freshman year had incontrovertibly delayed my journey as a singer. but singing has been a lot better for me this year. i still get pretty anxious at times. but i'm actively working to become more confident, bit by bit. and some days, chorale is a very safe/relaxing experience and i can just savor the moment and take it all in.

everyone in chorale (old and new) is super chill. i still kind of worry that they're silently judging me, but the fact that i have year's worth of experience/cred under my belt is slightly comforting. and i've noticed something that i still find pretty surprising.

i've carved my own path into chorale.

people still have their own cliques. whatever. far be it from me to force myself into friendships. but i've found that i don't need to be incorporated into convos to feel like i'm part of the group. even though i'm late to the game, there are people i can talk to, people who know/respect me, and people with whom i've formed organic friendships. and that's honestly way more than i could ask for. i guess i've finally found my place in the group.

i'm kinda sad that next year will be my last year with chorale. it's such a great community and i'm so so glad to be a part of it.

i guess i just have to enjoy it while it lasts. and i'm definitely looking forward to it!

✝ believing

"I know they, they don't see my flaws
Or these hidden scars
And all the mess I made
Oh, so don't, don't let Sunday fool ya"
- Sunday, Tori Kelly

There are only a few things that can make me willingly drag myself out of bed. Among those things are Disneyland, limited-time video game events, and church. As you've probably guessed, this post is about the third one.

I've been going to Mass for pretty much my whole life. I can still remember going to church when I was only 5 or so, sitting on the kneelers and using the pew as a handy table for my drawings. I've been going to my current church for about 10 years. I can count the number of times I've missed Mass on one hand. Okay, maybe two. The point is, not even sickness, vacation, or my aversion to being a morning person can really prevent me from going to church.

I didn't really get it when I was younger. Quite natural, really. Having to be quiet and reverent for an hour or so is quite agonizing for most kids. I know I used to count the minutes and keep track of how often the priest would go into overtime. Kids don't really have the patience for anything that doesn't provide enough physical/visual stimulation. And that's totally fine. Expecting kids to act like adults would be weird and unrealistic.

As of late, I've become more appreciative of the chance to attend Mass. It gives me a chance to escape the world for a bit and partake in some spiritual introspection. It allows me to reflect on biblical text through the homily and my personal interpretation. It continues to be something familiar and welcoming that will be there for me pretty much anywhere I go.

Life has blessed me with the opportunity to visit many different churches. I've heard worship music performed in a variety of styles and languages. I've heard homilies that have been thought-provoking, profound, and inspirational. I've seen communities that are vibrantly devout and quietly faithful.

But at the end of the day, we're all part of one big community. That's not to say that the community is perpetually problem-free or effortlessly collaborative. Politics, denominational differences, church crises... there are multitudinous obstacles that make it seem like a true grand unification is impossible. And it gets really disheartening at times.

But with the grace of God (quite literally, of course), I believe we can pull through. I believe things will be better someday. I believe God has a plan for us all.

Until then, I'll spend my Sunday mornings with a plate of toast, a glass of milk, and a trip to church.

🔎 analyzing

life itself.

that's what the name of my blog is. short and simple. like a tootsie roll. or a pocky stick that's been snapped in half. or another sugary treat that fulfills the above prerequisites.

it's also the title of a movie that was released recently. this film is not the namesake of my blog, actually. as i've mentioned before, it's taken from the title of a glass animals song from their album "how to be a human being".

this song is hecka groovy. it's also the first glass animals track i ever heard. more importantly, it contains a number of relatable lyrical chunks.

according to the band, the song os about a nerdy man-child(?) who's obsessed with outer space and other nerdy stuff. as an astrology major with the emotional maturity of a child, i guess he's a pretty relatable character.

so what shakespearean verbosity does this song offer? none, really. it's not exactly poetry set to music.

but i've felt a connection to the lyrics since the first time i heard them. i can't relate to every line, but i can relate to the general message of the song. here goes.

"i can't get a job, so i live with my mum / i take her money but not quite enough"
•last year i was planning to get a summer job and do something productive with my time away from school. that ended up not happening for various reasons.
•i don't have my own house. i'd like to get one someday.
•i'm trying to be more responsible about earning my own money. at the moment, it's probably best for me to use my parents' money sparingly and learn self-sufficiency the best i can. i know that i can't keep mooching off them forever. but if i went cold turkey right now, i'd be in minusland money-wise...

"thought that i was northern camden's own flash gordon / sonic ray gun, gonna be a superstar"
•when i was younger i wanted to be a superhero. i dreamed that one day i'd wake up with psychic powers and use them to become super awesome and popular. but now, i know that's not realistic thinking. those dreams are in the gutter now. i think.
•i'm a comics nerd. see beda day 20.
•another childhood fantasy was to invent something out-of-this-world. a teleporter, a time machine, a hyper-fast spaceship... something super sophisticated and wildly impossible. sadly enough, modern physics more or less disproves (or at the very least discourages) any of these fantasies from being realized. which is a shame, really. i would even have settled for a sonic ray gun.

"cut back down to my knees / gotta get back, gotta get free / cut back down to my knees / lean back now, lean back and breathe"
•there have been many times in my life where i've felt on top of things, only to be sent crashing to the ground unceremoniously. this can happen socially, personally, academically... life is rough. at one particularly low point i was lying on the floor in distress and basking in the glory of being a miserable wreck. that was fun.
•and yet, life goes on. roll with the punches and whatnot. with a little bit of elbow grease, i get back on the horse and keep trying to get free from the things that are weighing me down. do i always succeed? no. is the struggle hard? yes. is it all worth it in the end? maybe...
•i think it's important to rest on your laurels every once in a while. look back on the person you were, and see how far you've come. make a list of all your achievements, regardless if you have thirty-one or just one. lean back, and enjoy life when you can!
•breathe!! things always seem worse in the moment. but i've found that many of them, in retrospect, turn out to be not so bad after all. of course, some things just suck in the moment and afterward too. c'est la vie. life isn't always sunshine and roses. there's a lot of darkness, hate, and pain too. but work through those things, and maybe the sun will come out for just a bit. it's hard for me to remember that and believe it'll happen, but i try. and that's all any of us can do.

there ya go. an in-depth look at why my blog is named the way it is. this ended up being like a medium-sized tootsie roll, but that's okay. i hope this explanation will inspire myself (and possible readers) to embrace reality for what it is - the good, the bad, and everything in between. the overwhelmingly complex yet strangely beautiful experience that can be expressed most simply in two words:

life itself.