🧠 revisiting "brooding pt. 2"

"And I know things now
Many valuable things
That I hadn't known before"
- I Know Things Now, Into the Woods

Wisdom.

Wisdom is the theme of the year.

It's easy to get wisdom and knowledge mixed up sometimes, but the difference between the two becomes pretty clear when you look at them a bit more closely.

I suppose the biggest concern of wisdom would be a sort of gradual disconnection from society. Seeing the truth (or what one perceives as the truth) so clearly that it causes one to lose focus on reality.

So. What's changed over the past year?

The DC comics event I referenced last year (which I am continuing to refer to) has led to a rather interesting point in DC lore in which the very concepts of justice and doom go head-to-head. And though I can't say I've experienced any significant overflow or scarcity of justice, life sure does seem pretty doomy and gloomy, now more so than ever.

I'm still a big fan of the number four. Although I have to admit, I'm trying to put less stock in numbers and signs, for reasons that I may or may not have discussed in previous posts. I forget.

I'm also in my final year of college! Smack dab in the middle of "woohoo" and "aaaaaa"!

As if it weren't bad enough that I have no idea what I'm doing right now, now I have no idea what I'm gonna do in the future. For what it's worth, high school feels less like a distant memory and more like it never even happened. This weird state of confusion and anxiety is just a cycle that seems like it's been going on forever.

Anyway, back to the number 4 and cosmic forces.

We've run through entropy, wisdom, and mystery. Change and chaos. Dreams and nightmares. Confusion and conundrums.

And now, it's finally here. The year of wisdom. I may not be any smarter than I was last year, but I'd like to think that I'm at least a little bit wiser. Though I've learned a little bit more about myself and life itself, I'm not sure how it's gonna help me further on down the line. Even following all the paradigms I know, the old and the new... I can't help but feel lost.

I'm still facing personal failures in terms of my goals, relationships, and growth. And although I can't say it doesn't feel bad when I fail... I'm kinda used to it by now. Yes, it sucks... but it's always sucked, so why should further failures be any more demoralizing?

At this point, I've more or less given up on finding the new paradigm since I'm almost done with college anyway (knock on wood). Once I'm outta here... it'll be time to face the real world. And I can already tell that the real world will need one heckuva new paradigm.

I've made it to wisdom. Still not too sure how I feel about it. Returning to the discussion of what my most formative year of college was... I'm leaning toward this year because so far I've already kinda accepted what's to come of myself and my life. Although (even though it pains me to admit this) I do also kinda vibe with my freshman year self. He wasn't the smartest, but he sure did feel lost and alone a lot of the time. And that's kinda how I feel all the time now.

As for my sophomore and junior year selves... ahh, tough luck. They were too busy chasing false hopes to work on anything formative. And now that I've given up on hoping and the pain it ultimately brings... maybe this will be my most formative year yet!

...

Returning to my last brooding post is oddly comforting. A lot of things have changed since then, but at the same time... not much has. Even though it's a little disappointing that things haven't gotten much better... at least they haven't gotten much worse.

Neither of these posts makes any sense, huh? I imagine that if anyone stumbled onto this they'd be confused as all heck. Ah well. That's life, I guess.

2016, 2017, 2018, 2019... they all kinda sucked. In their own special ways.

2020? I'd say I'm hoping for the best and expecting the worst, but I think I'm just gonna be committing to the latter half. Hope is just another route to disappointment.

Here's to 2020. Who knows? Maybe the worst is yet to come.

✉️ corresponding

November 8, 2019

Dear Me From The Past,

Hi. It's Me From The Present. Or I guess to you, Me From The Future? It's been a while since we've chatted - it feels even longer for you, I'm sure.

How have you been? Wait, no need to answer that - I already know. Trust me, if you try to explain, you'll just be preaching to the choir. Been there, done that. Quite literally.

Things have been interesting lately. That is to say, lately for me, kinda far off in the future for you. Boy, communicating through time sure is confusing, isn't it?

I think about you a lot, you know. All of the hopes you had for the future. All of the plans you had for the future. All of the dreams you had for the future.

I know I/you/we hate spoilers, but I gotta let the cat out of the bag - the future definitely isn't what you think it is.

You know how people say the past always catches up with you? If you ask me, the same goes for the future. Your tomorrow becomes today. Your experiences become memories. Your future becomes your present.

Pretty scary, right? It freaks me out, and I know for a fact it freaks you out too. You know, same person and all. 

I did my best, Me From The Past. I tried to keep your hopes alive. I tried to follow through with your plans. I ran after your dreams until my lungs gave out.

And it still wasn't enough.

I know how much you believe in the future, how you see it as a promising frontier of adventure and achievement. And in a way, I guess it is. But not for us. We always thought we could take control of our future. We never thought our future could take control of us.

Is it worth it to keep believing in the future? Well... I sure do wish I had an answer to that. I'd ask Me From The Future what he thinks, but he hasn't been answering my calls lately. You and me, we're kind of on our own here.

I wonder what you would think of me if you met me today. Would you be disappointed that I haven't been living up to your expectations? Would you ask why I haven't become a better person since I was you? Would you be disgusted by how my morals and outlook on life have changed?

Every time I feel myself sliding away from you, I feel guilty. I want to make you happy, I really do. I don't want to lose sight of what was important to me. I want to be someone that you would be proud of, even though it's hard to remember who you are sometimes.

But on my worst days, I hate the very thought of you. I wish you were dead and gone. I wish you never existed. I wish you didn't control my life the way you still do.

And yet... in spite of all this, you're the only person in my life I can always count on. You never change, and you never will. You'll never stop believing in me, in us, in our future. And that's something that I still hold on to.

I know that I've failed you many many times, and I will continue to fail many times more. I know that I've changed since I was you and that in your eyes, I might be someone you despise. I know that my life could be better if I didn't think about you so much.

But you have something that I don't have at the moment. Hope. Hope for the future. Hope for a better day. Hope for resolution.

And so, in spite of my fear and hesitation, I allow myself three small hopes. I hope I remember that you believe in me. I hope you'll be proud of me someday. And I hope I will fulfill your plans and make all your dreams come true.

Thank you for everything. Maybe someday, we'll have the chance to talk again. Until then... take care of yourself.

Yours truly,
Me/you/us

⚠ revisiting "hoping"

"Don't ask if I'm happy, you know that I'm not
But at best, I can say I'm not sad"
- hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have – but i have it, Lana Del Rey

maybe.

maybe is a funny word.

maybe makes you believe that something will happen, even though it's not a guarantee.

there are all kinds of maybes, too.

there's the "spoken maybe", a verbal confirmation of sorts that indicates an event or choice might happen.

there's the "unspoken maybe". the knowledge that uncertainty exists, even if it's not openly confirmed.

and then there's the "perceived maybe".

it can be hard to distinguish between the last two at first. but when you feel it, it's hard to let it go. it tells you that something you truly, genuinely want to happen can happen, even when it can't. it makes you take one last shot in the dark even when you're out of ammo. it's absurd, irrational, but strangely enthralling.

it's nothing but a fantasy.

i've spent way too long perceiving maybes where they don't exist. following dreams that no longer belonged to me. looking for signs even after i told myself they meant nothing. telling myself that maybe, just maybe, life wouldn't let me down.

a while ago, a perceived maybe led me into believing i had found true hope. reaching out for what was lost, seizing moments that led nowhere. trying to rebuild something that was meant to be broken.

and now i see how wrong i was.

i haven't felt this bad in a long time. it's so much worse than any loss of hope i've experienced in the past. it almost feels tangible, a part of me that just drags me down. it's like a cloud hovering over my head, telling me i'll never be happy again.

what will happen in the end? what remains there when hope becomes meaningless? will i make it all the way there?

i don't know where my life will lead. i don't know what the greater purpose of any of my experiences is. i don't want to believe in hope anymore.

"hope is a dangerous thing. hope can drive a man insane."

maybe hope isn't for me.

📞😌 revisiting "calling"

"Stop callin'
Stop callin'
I don't wanna talk anymore"
- Telephone, Lady Gaga ft. Beyonce

I'm an introvert. Surprise, nothing has changed! Is that relevant to this post? I'm not sure yet.

Being an introvert means that I kinda have to take a different approach to seemingly mundane tasks. I like meeting new people. Talking to them, not so much. (Or is it the other way around? IDK.) I still am not a fan of being in large groups of people. I'm a little bit more used to it now, though. In general, I can only deal with people for short periods of time before I have to tap out. For my sake and theirs.

And every now and then, I'm forced to deal with phone calls.

Phone calls are alright.

I'll still schedule appointments online if the opportunity presents itself. Email is still one of my preferred forms of contact. And face-to-face convos are still something that I'm okay with.

I guess phone calls have become easier for me since I do them a little more often nowadays. Usually, this consists of me talking to my friends to make plans. I also think PUBG Mobile deserves some credit since I use voice chat to strategize with my friends during matches (voice chat is basically like a phone call, right?). Even though I can't see their faces, it doesn't really matter because they're my friends and won't judge me for being a weirdo. Ha ha ha!

Side note: socializing is still v important and v hard.

I'm very pleased with myself for becoming more comfortable with phone calls. Still not 100% on board with them, but I'm definitely a lot better at them than I used to be. But if I can take a loophole, you can still sign me the frick up for it.

A while back, I had a convo with one of my friends for a good 2-3 hours. We reminisced on some old photos and talked about personal development and whatnot. It was a good time. Almost like being a kid again...

Texting, Messenger, Snapchat, and other forms of media are all well and good, but there's something charming and almost fun (???) about phone calls that makes them kinda nice. Video calls are also pretty neat unless someone rings you while you're in the bathroom...

Phone calls still suck every now and then. But nowadays, they're pretty okay for me!

As I've mentioned before, I'll always consider face-to-face convos the superior method of communication. But if I can't make that work... I can always consider calling.

👻 ghosting

"So I drown it out like I always do
Dancing through our house with the ghost of you"
- Ghost of You, 5 Seconds of Summer

Ghosts.

Depictions of ghosts can range from silly (person draped in bedsheet) to downright terrifying (undetectable ethereal being that possesses a host of nigh-inescapable supernatural powers).

What does the depiction of ghosts have to do with the discussion at hand? Nothing, really. I just thought it would be fun to talk about before diving into today's post. Anyway, let's just jump into it!!

• ghost at the feast
Has there ever been a problem in your life that constantly reminds you of failure? Like no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to fix it?

The expression "ghost at the feast" refers to something or someone that serves as a negative force in the midst of positivity. I know this because my previous tangent was on the expression "ghost in the machine", but it meant something completely different than I thought so I had to restructure this section to fit "ghost at the feast" instead. Moral of the story: do your research, kids.

The “ghost” at the aforementioned feast, as well as the “feast” itself, can refer to a number of things. A personality trait that causes problems in interpersonal relationships. A persistent error that makes a scientific problem unsolvable. Or perhaps the memory of a person that negatively affects someone’s emotional state. And that brings us to our next point...

• ghosts of the past
Do you remember the people in your 5th-grade class? For me, most of my memories of them are a big blur. Yet there are certain moments that stand out. Negative interactions, sharing secrets, and even some bonafide heart-to-hearts. It’s funny to me how I still remember such seemingly trivial things after all this time. Some of these memories still affect me on a daily basis. Some don’t.

There’s also a whole other remnant from the past that still plays an important role in my life. These are the people that I think about so often that they acutely shape my worldview and actions - friends, colleagues, and everyone in between. And thus a somewhat supernatural phenomenon is produced - they virtually become ghosts to me. Because I rarely communicate with them anymore, the only place I really get to interact with them is in my mind. And that’s kind of scary to me. Am I remembering them for how they truly were, or am I just remembering a pale imitation? An intangible figure? A ghost?

Most of the time, the best way to truly forget someone is to go cold turkey. Call it off completely. Ghost them.

• ghosting
“Ghosting” has come to be defined as willfully ending communication with another person. This can be used in unfavorable relationships between friends, lovers, family, etc. Typically, it’s a pretty messy and painful process. Ideally, it’s incredibly cathartic and helps one to feel substantially better. Personally, it always makes me feel like crap.

I’ve been on both the receiving and delivering ends of ghosting multiple times. And I gotta say, it makes me feel bad either way. Sometimes it’s a really difficult choice. Sometimes you want to try as hard as you can to fix things with the other person. Sometimes it’s hard to accept that they don’t want to be a part of your life anymore.

...

And thus the problems persist. The ghost hangs around at the feast. The past keeps lingering. Cutting things off isn’t nearly as conclusive as you want it to be.

So how does one deal with these problems? I wish I had an answer because this problem haunts me to this day. But for now, all I can do is hope that someday I’ll be able to bust those ghosts.

📜 catchphrasing pt. 4

"And I know, baby, just how you feel
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
- Jump, Van Halen

Time to go over some more phrases that I say to myself fairly often! Woohoo!

• If you live long enough, you see the same eyes in different people. 
In the movie The Last Jedi, a tiny alien crawls across a table and cryptically says this to a former stormtrooper. Is that relevant to this post? Not really, but I figured it would be nice to give some context before I dive in.
I've found that people's eyes often tell me a lot about them before I even get to know them. When I meet people, I tend to scan their face for clues about their personality and character. Even when I talk to people, I'm subconsciously scrutinizing them for information. Now that I think about it, it's kind of a weird habit, isn't it?
Anyway, I've found that pretty much anyone I meet today tends to be variably similar to someone I've met in the past - a matching pattern, if you will. People in college remind me of people from high school. I compared people in high school to people from middle school. People in middle school were like people in elementary school, but worse!! You get the idea.
Now, to say that I've encountered every possible personality pattern would be a gross exaggeration. It's dang near impossible to meet every type of person in one lifetime. But you can get pretty darn close.
We humans aren't able to live nearly as long as Maz Kanata (not yet, anyway). But eventually, you get to the point where you meet a person and you think "oh yeah, I know exactly what you're like". (Side note: stereotyping is different and also bad. Don't stereotype!!) And it gets kind of tedious, feeling like you never meet anyone "new".
Then again, sometimes you meet someone who is unlike anyone you've met before. Sometimes, you meet someone with new eyes. And life itself becomes a little bit more exciting because of it.

• Roll with the punches.
In catchphrasing pt. 2, I talk about why I hate the saying about lemons and lemonade. This saying is pretty similar, but with a pretty crucial difference. See, the other saying implies that bad situations can be salvaged. That you can make life sugary-sweet by putting in a little bit of elbow grease. Anyone who has been alive for longer than, say, two or three seconds knows that such a sentiment is patently false. In life, one comes across events that are so catastrophically terrible that the concept of making lemonade wouldn't even cross one's mind.
This brings us back to the phrase "roll with the punches". I think punches accurately describe how life treats people sometimes. Sometimes, personal experiences are so excruciating that they're comparable to actual physical pain. Life will hit you and there's nothing that you can do about it. Make lemonade? Shut the frick up. The best you can do is damage control. Mitigate the pain. The goal is not to end the suffering, it's to lessen the suffering as much as possible.
I'd like to think that I've gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches - figuratively, of course. If someone actually punched me it would hurt. A lot.
So, I tend to expect the worst. I convince myself that there are gonna be a lot of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days. I tell myself that life itself is out to get me, because that's how it feels 95% of the time.
But I sure as heck am gonna keep blocking those hits.

• You learn something new every day.
In catchphrasing pt. 3, I mentioned that "there's a lesson to be learned in any situation". That particular saying slightly implies that those situations have to be negative to impart wisdom.
This phrase, however, has a bit of a more positive spin to it. When you go to class, you can learn something! When you go to the museum, you can learn something! When you discuss credit scores with your friends at the pizzeria, you can learn something!
Side note: what the frick is a credit score? Maybe I need to learn something new...
Like I've mentioned before, I believe the buildup of knowledge brings us closer to knowing what life itself is all about. Each day brings us closer to finally understanding the world - as much as we'd like to think we understand the world, we really frickin' don't. So we keep on living and learning, day by day.
Fun fact: did you know the bit of plastic at the end of your shoelace is called an "aglet"? If you didn't, well, you learn something new every day! If you did... well, there's always tomorrow.

🕺😰 dancing pt. 2

"Can't you see
I don't wanna slow dance
In the dark"
Slow Dancing in the Dark, Joji

dancing is a pretty weird thing.

don't get me wrong, watching other people dance is great! but when you think about it, someone somewhere along the line had the idea of putting choreo to music (or rhythm at the very least). it's a very odd idea, although nowadays it's perfectly normal to us.

i've kinda come to terms with the fact that i'll never be great at dancing. i mean, i could improve my technique and form and all that. but i still wouldn't be good, y'know?

funnily enough, dancing is connected to some of my strongest memories. two people swaying to a beat is all it takes to yeet me down memory lane. maybe that's part of why i don't really dance nowadays. it's painful for various non-physical reasons.

so, where's the connection to life itself? i make this connection in 99.9% of my posts, right? what's the hidden significance of dancing that i'm fleshing out just to beef up my post and practice my writing skills?

well, to me, life is a lot like dancing. i may know the music, but i never know the steps. i know what it feels like, but it kinda just stresses me out. i may know what great balance looks like, but half the time i can't even walk on flat surfaces without tripping.

so for now, i'll take a step (heheheh) back and just watch other people. they know the music, they're better dancers, but most of all they actually have fun. maybe someday the dj will play my song. maybe someday i'll be able to dance like i actually have joints. maybe someday i'll have that one dance.

but until then, i'll just keep working on walking without falling over.