😟 breathing

"Is this my life? Am I breathing underwater?" - Breathing Underwater, Metric

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when I was in 6th grade, I suddenly remembered a random fact from a National Geographic Kids magazine -  "you can't breathe and swallow at the same time". for whatever reason, that really got to me, and for a few months afterward, I had problems eating. trying to time my swallowing right, to make my eating look normal, to avoid choking and possibly dying. eventually I "re-learned" how to eat normally, and all was well. for some time.

during the summer of 2015, my family went to Utah for the 4th of July weekend. we had packed breakfast sandwiches to eat in the airport, since we had to leave the house super early. as I started eating my sandwich, that stupid fact snuck into my head again. I started choking on my sandwich, but luckily was able to swallow it with some water. I was ticked off that this problem was occurring again, but I figured it would go away in a few months again.

spoiler alert: it's still here.

during concert season of my senior year in high school, I picked up the baritone saxophone again. the last time I'd played it had been in sophomore year, but I figured if I could do it back then, it would be a cinch for senior me. it wasn't. to this day I don't know if it was my embouchure, my breath control, or the saxophone itself, but more often than not, all I could produce was awful-sounding squeaking. it sucked. notes that had once been so easy to play were now riddled with terror-inducing possibilities, as I risked embarrassing myself in front of all my classmates. repeatedly. during one concert in February, I was supposed to play with a handful of other instruments for the intro of Ammerland. not wanting to ruin the program with my squeaking, I did something I had never done before - I faked playing my instrument. I felt awful. not only was I throwing off the balance of the parts, but my fear and incompetence was degrading my self-confidence. thankfully, by the time we got to band assessments in March, I had come up with a slew of tricks that would allow me to (barely) make decent-sounding notes with my sax and play the entire intro of Ammerland with the other sections (without squeaking!!). even now, when I pick up my good old alto sax for some practice, my insides still clench up instinctively, remembering the pseudo-trauma from that lovely, banged up bari sax.

are these problems connected somehow? no idea. but they're pretty annoying nonetheless. sometimes I try to practice gulping down some food without a gulp of water, but end up panicking when I become aware of my own breathing. sometimes I try to practice some low notes on my alto sax, but end up with the same sort of squeaking that plagued my bari playing. maybe someday this'll pass and I'll be able to eat carne asada without a single glass of water. maybe someday I'll pick up a bari sax and bust out tunes like nobody's business. maybe I'll learn how to breathe again.

or maybe not.