😟 returning

"Now we're back in the fight
We're back on the train
Oh, back on the chain gang"
- Back on the Chain Gang, The Pretenders

anxiety. discomfort. depression.

these are the emotions I feel as I return to my university, a sacred site of learning. when people ask me if I enjoy college life, I respond with a smile and an enthusiastic "yeah!"

truth be told, I hate it here. every second spent on this soil makes me feel like my soul is ebbing out, bit by bit. the sight of each building sends waves of distraught through me. if everyone else can enjoy themselves here, why can't I?

I don't share these thoughts with most people though. heck, I've only really been honest about it with a couple of my friends. I don't want them to think I'm super upset or that I'm unappreciative of my opportunities.

I didn't want to come here. it was my last choice, yet it ended up being the one chosen for me. I hate not being in control of my life. I hate seeing my dreams crushed before my eyes. I hate seeing all my time, effort, and hope go to waste.

don't get me wrong, I made a decent effort to make the most of my life last year. I tried to socialize, to explore, to find something that'd make me happy.

and I didn't.

so as I come back, I have to wonder - which classes will be the ones to stress and disappoint me? what opportunities will arise and then come crashing to the ground? what dreams will splinter under the pressure of life itself?

guess I'll have to wait and see. year two. here goes.