[EDIT: updated version of this post is here!]
"And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe"
- Harder to Breathe, Maroon 5
I couldn't decide which category to put this post under, so I'm just gonna use three.
when I joined band in sophomore year of high school, it was very hard to get used to at first. reading and playing music at the same time was a new experience for me. playing saxophone alongside people who actually had been playing longer for a year was pretty daunting. holding my own amongst the other members of the band was a challenge. I was considering dropping band since I was so gosh-dang awful at keeping up with everything. but eventually, I found my way and became confident enough to play the baritone saxophone! and I was pretty okay at it! for a while, anyway. like I've said, I have breathing issues when it comes to playing sax.
anyway, as much as it pains me to face the truth, chorale is the new band.
whether it be breathing issues, lack of self-confidence, or other problems, chorale has always stressed me out. in high school choir, everything was cool and I was confident in myself and my singing abilities. I don't know if my involuntary choir hiatus last year made me forget all that stuff, but singing is a lot different for me this year. for more exposed or soloistic parts of pieces in particular, singing makes me massively anxious. it's the same feeling as when I was freaking out about squeaking on the sax during Ammerland, but for singing instead. choir has always felt like a safe/relaxing place for me, but thanks to my own insecurities, it's become another item on my stress list.
everyone in chorale is super chill though. I have an irrational fear that they're all silently judging me, but that supposition is quite unfounded. but something I've noticed that isn't really related to my personal problems is that the atmosphere isn't what I initially thought it was.
I feel welcome in chorale, but not welcomed.
as I noted in singing, people have their own cliques and such already. they're nice. they're friendly. but they rarely take the time to chat with me or incorporate me into their convos. guess that's what happens when you're late to the game. I thought I'd found a place for myself, but now I'm second-guessing it.
I might leave chorale next year. my personal issues concerning singing and lack of social connections within the group haven't exactly instilled a sense of belonging within me.
I guess I'm not cut out for ensemble singing anymore. it's kinda sad, but that's just how the cookie crumbles.
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