🎬 acting

"There's no business like show business, like no business I know..."
- There's No Business Like Show Business, Irving Berlin

I've played a number of roles over the years. a dog, in first grade. a penguin, in second grade. a soothsayer, in 5th grade. a news station director, in 7th(?) grade. a priest and the ghost of Banquo, in some high school projects.

none of these roles was particularly hard for me to pull off. these characters were all either insignificant to the overarching story or had no character development. except Banquo, but playing a ghost honestly ain't that hard.

anyway, let's cut to today. the character I'm playing in this production I'm in is emotionally complex, to say the least. he goes between caring and aggressive right quick, which can be difficult to pull off sometimes.

I think what gives me the most trouble with acting, though, is the expression. I'm not a very expressive person. as a child I talked back to my parents a lot and vented my frustrations quite openly. this led to me getting video game/TV/computer/etc. privileges getting taken away. which as a kid was probbo one of the worst things that could happen. ha ha!

anyway, I learned quite early on that it was best for me to hide my emotions as best as possible. no speaking up for myself, no matter how badly I wanted to. no making eye contact during arguments, lest it be taken as a challenge to authority. no stomping, no fist-slamming, no toy-throwing.

and in this play, wow! I get to yell and stomp to my heart's content. I get to look my fellow actors and actresses in the eye as I confront and berate them. I get to release all the pent-up frustration and anxiety of life itself and channel it into my acting.

good, right?

I used to think so, but now I'm not so sure. last week we ran the climax of the play and I yelled more forcefully than I have in a frickton of fortnights. everyone loved it. people cried. people were massively shook. I was pleased with my performance.

after rehearsal, I went back to my dorm and cried in the shower for a while.

I still don't know why I got so weepy. was it the emotional strain of performing such an important scene? was it the fear associated with being too expressive? was it because I was scared of my own anger and anxiety, and that all the emotion I poured out was actually real?

that last option scares me the most. obviously I don't hate my fellow actors/actresses. they're some of the most talented and genuine people I know! I have no reason to be mad at them.

but all the "staged" ire that I'm portraying through my character... I'm afraid it might be real. and to be quite honest, I find that kinda terrifying.

maybe this is good for me. maybe this is the catharsis I need to process my emotions more comprehensively. maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

nevertheless, I have to continue giving my all to this production. as they say, the show must go on.