"Telefono
Ringing for me
Can I tell you?
I dream in stereo"
- Telefono, Phoenix
i'm an introvert. uhhh i feel like i say that a lot. but it's relevant to this post.
for me, introversion complicates things that should be pretty mundane experiences. meeting new people. being in large groups of people. having to deal with people in general!!
but perhaps the most dreaded social interaction i'm forced to deal with? phone calls.
i. fricking. hate. phone. calls.
if i can schedule appointments online instead of calling, i'll do it in a heartbeat! if i can contact someone through email rather than a phone call, i'll do it in half a heartbeat!! heck, i'd even take a face-to-face convo over a phone call any day of the flipping week.
idk why phone calls are so hard for me. i feel like a lot of people (introverts or otherwise) have problems with them. i guess it's because socializing is hard enough without the added factor of being unable to see the other person's face and body language...
side note: gee, i do talk about being an introvert way too much. just to clarify, i don't think that introverts should be completely exempt from having to socialize. i think it's v important!! it's just hard.
anyway! i feel like i'm getting slightly better with phone convos. still don't like them, but at least i'm sort of getting used to them. there are some things in life you just gotta deal with. (i'll still take my loopholes wherever i can get 'em, though.)
when i was a kid i used to chat with my best friend on the phone for hours on end. looking back on those days, it's really weird to think that i used the telephone that much. not a cell phone, but "the telephone"!!
these days we got texting, fb messenger, snapchat, and a frickton of other forms of media that can link us together - no phone convos needed! but sometimes, a phone call is a nice, archaic way of getting the job done. plus we have video calls now!! when i was a kid, i fantasized about video calls alongside flying cars and houses that could automatically rebuild themselves. well, at least we have one of those three now?
phone calls usually suck. but sometimes they don't. and they're pretty necessary. of course, if you ask me, a face-to-face convo is the best way to communicate with someone. but that's a topic for another post...
Monday, July 9, 2018
Sunday, June 24, 2018
🏀 b-balling
"Why am I feeling so wrong?
My head's in the game
But my heart's in the song"
- Get'cha Head in the Game, High School Musical
at 5 AM, i awoke to the sound of All Star and NPR's morning news program. i'm not sure why i decided to set All Star as my early morning alarm song, but i think it's because i figured hearing Smash Mouth so early in the morning would make me confused enough to drag myself out of bed.
i got dressed as quickly as i could and bolted downstairs (quietly). Google said the sunrise would be at 5:13, so i tried to be quick about getting out the door. i grabbed a bag of cereal, some yogurt, a spoon, a thermos of milk, and my half-filled water bottle. by the time i headed out, it was already 5:11. oops.
walking to the park usually took 5-7 minutes, so i decided to take a leisurely stroll since i was gonna miss the sunrise anyway. when i got to the park, the climbing structure on the playground i was planning to eat breakfast on was still roped off for mysterious reasons. i was a tad disappointed, but felt better when i found out that even though i'd apparently missed the sunrise, Mt. Rainier was still looking terribly gorgeous. so i climbed up to the slide, set up my breakfast, and proceeded to eat cereal out of the bag like a fricking heathen.
---
when i was younger, sometimes in the summer or on the weekends my dad would wake me up in the morning and invite me to go to the park and play basketball with him. sometimes i would jump out of bed at the chance, and sometimes i would roll over and go back to sleep.
there's something very special to me about those days. even though we don't really play basketball together anymore, it was a nice bonding experience in its own way.
anyway, nowadays i wake myself up and go to the park by myself. quite the struggle for me, since i'm a lazy daisy who would gladly spend the morning in bed and has problems being out and about before 9 AM.
there's something very peaceful about being in the park when it's early and there's no one else around. it's just you, the birds, and your own thoughts.
---
anyway, back to the title. "b-balling". do people even say "b-ball" anymore? what year is it? is space jam 2 still going to be a thing?
since i shoot hoops by myself now, i have a lot of time to just practice my b-ball skills while getting lost in my own thoughts. most of the time i'm not really focused on the shot, because i'm so wrapped up in whatever i'm thinking about. i'm actually not too terrible at free throws, so i do make the occasional shot every now and then.
what do i think about? goals. dreams. past experiences. life itself, in a nutshell. i also think about random songs that i associate with the random thoughts in my head. and i sing them, after carefully checking to make sure no one else is around.
as i continued playing b-ball, the sun rose over the bourgeois houses down the road from the park, and gave me a backdrop of some real nice natural light. it was very pleasing. guess i didn't miss the sunrise after all.
shooting hoops in the early morning is always quite an enjoyable experience. anything that blends quasi-fitness with solitary introspection is neat in my book.
i'm still tired though. i think i'll take a nap later.
My head's in the game
But my heart's in the song"
- Get'cha Head in the Game, High School Musical
at 5 AM, i awoke to the sound of All Star and NPR's morning news program. i'm not sure why i decided to set All Star as my early morning alarm song, but i think it's because i figured hearing Smash Mouth so early in the morning would make me confused enough to drag myself out of bed.
i got dressed as quickly as i could and bolted downstairs (quietly). Google said the sunrise would be at 5:13, so i tried to be quick about getting out the door. i grabbed a bag of cereal, some yogurt, a spoon, a thermos of milk, and my half-filled water bottle. by the time i headed out, it was already 5:11. oops.
walking to the park usually took 5-7 minutes, so i decided to take a leisurely stroll since i was gonna miss the sunrise anyway. when i got to the park, the climbing structure on the playground i was planning to eat breakfast on was still roped off for mysterious reasons. i was a tad disappointed, but felt better when i found out that even though i'd apparently missed the sunrise, Mt. Rainier was still looking terribly gorgeous. so i climbed up to the slide, set up my breakfast, and proceeded to eat cereal out of the bag like a fricking heathen.
---
when i was younger, sometimes in the summer or on the weekends my dad would wake me up in the morning and invite me to go to the park and play basketball with him. sometimes i would jump out of bed at the chance, and sometimes i would roll over and go back to sleep.
there's something very special to me about those days. even though we don't really play basketball together anymore, it was a nice bonding experience in its own way.
anyway, nowadays i wake myself up and go to the park by myself. quite the struggle for me, since i'm a lazy daisy who would gladly spend the morning in bed and has problems being out and about before 9 AM.
there's something very peaceful about being in the park when it's early and there's no one else around. it's just you, the birds, and your own thoughts.
---
anyway, back to the title. "b-balling". do people even say "b-ball" anymore? what year is it? is space jam 2 still going to be a thing?
since i shoot hoops by myself now, i have a lot of time to just practice my b-ball skills while getting lost in my own thoughts. most of the time i'm not really focused on the shot, because i'm so wrapped up in whatever i'm thinking about. i'm actually not too terrible at free throws, so i do make the occasional shot every now and then.
what do i think about? goals. dreams. past experiences. life itself, in a nutshell. i also think about random songs that i associate with the random thoughts in my head. and i sing them, after carefully checking to make sure no one else is around.
as i continued playing b-ball, the sun rose over the bourgeois houses down the road from the park, and gave me a backdrop of some real nice natural light. it was very pleasing. guess i didn't miss the sunrise after all.
shooting hoops in the early morning is always quite an enjoyable experience. anything that blends quasi-fitness with solitary introspection is neat in my book.
i'm still tired though. i think i'll take a nap later.
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
😄 revisiting "returning"
"A circumstance beyond our control
The phone, the TV, and the news of the world
Got in the house like a pigeon from hell
Threw sand in our eyes and descended like flies"
- Back on the Chain Gang, The Pretenders
contentment. longing. nostalgia.
those were the emotions i felt as i left my university, the place where i'd learned so much in just one year. when people ask me if i enjoy college life, i respond with a genuine smile and tell them "it's pretty fun!"
truth be told, i actually miss being there. spending time with the friends i made helped to put my soul back together, bit by bit. seeing certain buildings reminded me of the good times i had spent hanging out with people. somehow, i'd found a way to enjoy myself there.
i've shared these thoughts with a few more people now. i'm much more open and honest with my new friends. and the best part is, they understand me and don't see me as upset or unappreciative.
i didn't want to attend my university at first. it wasn't my first choice, but i can't avoid the path that's been chosen for me. i've learned more about what i can and can't control. i've learned that some dreams are fated to be crushed. i've learned that some things that end up seeming like a waste of time, hope, and effort can lead to valuable lessons and opportunities.
surprisingly enough, i came out of this year having made something out of my life. i socialized, explored, found two great communities that made me really happy.
wow. i actually did.
there were some classes that stressed me like never before, but overall i was actually quite pleased in spite of a few disappointments. there were opportunities that arose - some of them knocked me down, but some of them lifted me higher. there were strange times where life itself splintered some of my wildest dreams, but also made others come true in a weird way that only life can.
returning was a trip and a half. year two - in the bag.
The phone, the TV, and the news of the world
Got in the house like a pigeon from hell
Threw sand in our eyes and descended like flies"
- Back on the Chain Gang, The Pretenders
contentment. longing. nostalgia.
those were the emotions i felt as i left my university, the place where i'd learned so much in just one year. when people ask me if i enjoy college life, i respond with a genuine smile and tell them "it's pretty fun!"
truth be told, i actually miss being there. spending time with the friends i made helped to put my soul back together, bit by bit. seeing certain buildings reminded me of the good times i had spent hanging out with people. somehow, i'd found a way to enjoy myself there.
i've shared these thoughts with a few more people now. i'm much more open and honest with my new friends. and the best part is, they understand me and don't see me as upset or unappreciative.
i didn't want to attend my university at first. it wasn't my first choice, but i can't avoid the path that's been chosen for me. i've learned more about what i can and can't control. i've learned that some dreams are fated to be crushed. i've learned that some things that end up seeming like a waste of time, hope, and effort can lead to valuable lessons and opportunities.
surprisingly enough, i came out of this year having made something out of my life. i socialized, explored, found two great communities that made me really happy.
wow. i actually did.
there were some classes that stressed me like never before, but overall i was actually quite pleased in spite of a few disappointments. there were opportunities that arose - some of them knocked me down, but some of them lifted me higher. there were strange times where life itself splintered some of my wildest dreams, but also made others come true in a weird way that only life can.
returning was a trip and a half. year two - in the bag.
Thursday, May 24, 2018
✝ hoping
"There can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill"
- When You Believe, Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey
hope.
hope is a funny word. it's a funny thing. it's a funny feeling.
hope is believing (or wanting to believe) that something will happen, usually against the odds and against all that is good and pragmatic.
hope takes a lot of forms too.
there's blind hope, which usually arises from panic and lack of contemplation. it's not hope so much as an impulsive desire brought about by unfortunate circumstances.
there's false hope. lying to yourself, convincing yourself that something is bound to happen when there's no chance it will. but the worst part of false hope is knowing that your hope will go unfulfilled, but lying to yourself and keeping the hope alive anyway.
and then there's true hope.
true hope is very similar to the other two kinds, so it can be hard to distinguish at first. but when you feel it, you know it's real. it's hope for something that you truly, genuinely want to happen. it's one last shot in the dark, one last resort that just might make your wish come true. it's exhilarating, terrifying, but strangely peaceful as well.
it's true hope.
i've spent way too long living my life under the shadow of false hope. convincing myself to follow dreams that i had never truly thought about. looking for signs in places where there were none. telling myself that my false hopes made me happy, even though they always let me down in the end.
recently i went through a period of blind hope as well. reaching out impulsively, seizing moments that may have been better off left alone. trying to find happiness out of the fear that i never would.
and now i feel true hope.
i haven't felt hopeful in this way for a long time - i don't even know if i have felt this way before. but it's so so different from hoping blindly or falsely. it almost feels tangible, a part of me like my head or my heart. it's like a signpost in front of my eyes, guiding me to the right path.
the Bible says that in the end, faith and hope will have served their purpose and that only love will remain. it's a very comforting sentiment, because faith and hope are essential virtues but also can be difficult, emotionally and spiritually.
i believe that God has a plan for me. i believe that all my experiences, the good and the bad, serve a greater purpose that i can't even envision. i believe that my hope will lead to great love.
"though hope is frail, it's hard to kill."
i choose to hope.
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill"
- When You Believe, Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey
hope.
hope is a funny word. it's a funny thing. it's a funny feeling.
hope is believing (or wanting to believe) that something will happen, usually against the odds and against all that is good and pragmatic.
hope takes a lot of forms too.
there's blind hope, which usually arises from panic and lack of contemplation. it's not hope so much as an impulsive desire brought about by unfortunate circumstances.
there's false hope. lying to yourself, convincing yourself that something is bound to happen when there's no chance it will. but the worst part of false hope is knowing that your hope will go unfulfilled, but lying to yourself and keeping the hope alive anyway.
and then there's true hope.
true hope is very similar to the other two kinds, so it can be hard to distinguish at first. but when you feel it, you know it's real. it's hope for something that you truly, genuinely want to happen. it's one last shot in the dark, one last resort that just might make your wish come true. it's exhilarating, terrifying, but strangely peaceful as well.
it's true hope.
i've spent way too long living my life under the shadow of false hope. convincing myself to follow dreams that i had never truly thought about. looking for signs in places where there were none. telling myself that my false hopes made me happy, even though they always let me down in the end.
recently i went through a period of blind hope as well. reaching out impulsively, seizing moments that may have been better off left alone. trying to find happiness out of the fear that i never would.
and now i feel true hope.
i haven't felt hopeful in this way for a long time - i don't even know if i have felt this way before. but it's so so different from hoping blindly or falsely. it almost feels tangible, a part of me like my head or my heart. it's like a signpost in front of my eyes, guiding me to the right path.
the Bible says that in the end, faith and hope will have served their purpose and that only love will remain. it's a very comforting sentiment, because faith and hope are essential virtues but also can be difficult, emotionally and spiritually.
i believe that God has a plan for me. i believe that all my experiences, the good and the bad, serve a greater purpose that i can't even envision. i believe that my hope will lead to great love.
"though hope is frail, it's hard to kill."
i choose to hope.
Friday, April 27, 2018
🕺😟 dancing
"I don't wanna dance
I don't know how
I don't wanna dance
I don't know how to dance with you"
- I Don't Wanna Dance, COIN
dancing.
if there's one thing on this earth that freaks me out more than singing or playing an instrument, it's dancing.
it's an absolute nightmare for me. it involves a certain amount of coordination that I am severely lacking. heck, I can barely make it to my classes without tripping over a curb or two.
singing and dancing should go together like peanut butter and jelly, yeah? match made in heaven and all that?
I can't dance to save my life. it stresses me out. it depletes my self-esteem. it's hard for me, okay??
---
swing music. wow!
I love swing music more than I love jazz, and that's saying a lot. something about the style is so thrilling. wowee!
swing dancing? that's another thing altogether.
God knows I love swing music more than life itself. but when dancing is factored in... yikes!
I can't even listen to jazz as I write this because it reminds me too much of swing. I'm listening to classical music. classical music! that's for Sunday nights and nights before exams!!
---
they say practice makes perfect. that's a fricking lie. you can practice for some indeterminate number of fortnights and still only come out subpar. like me with singing. but singing has become such a basic part of my life that it really doesn't matter that my singing skills are the stuff of mediocrity.
*sigh* the show must go on. this is just another piece of the puzzle, another note in the song, another gear in the machine.
---
it's week 5 of the quarter. dance dance, I'm falling apart to half time.
I don't know how
I don't wanna dance
I don't know how to dance with you"
- I Don't Wanna Dance, COIN
dancing.
if there's one thing on this earth that freaks me out more than singing or playing an instrument, it's dancing.
it's an absolute nightmare for me. it involves a certain amount of coordination that I am severely lacking. heck, I can barely make it to my classes without tripping over a curb or two.
singing and dancing should go together like peanut butter and jelly, yeah? match made in heaven and all that?
I can't dance to save my life. it stresses me out. it depletes my self-esteem. it's hard for me, okay??
---
swing music. wow!
I love swing music more than I love jazz, and that's saying a lot. something about the style is so thrilling. wowee!
swing dancing? that's another thing altogether.
God knows I love swing music more than life itself. but when dancing is factored in... yikes!
I can't even listen to jazz as I write this because it reminds me too much of swing. I'm listening to classical music. classical music! that's for Sunday nights and nights before exams!!
---
they say practice makes perfect. that's a fricking lie. you can practice for some indeterminate number of fortnights and still only come out subpar. like me with singing. but singing has become such a basic part of my life that it really doesn't matter that my singing skills are the stuff of mediocrity.
*sigh* the show must go on. this is just another piece of the puzzle, another note in the song, another gear in the machine.
---
it's week 5 of the quarter. dance dance, I'm falling apart to half time.
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
🎬 acting
"There's no business like show business, like no business I know..."
- There's No Business Like Show Business, Irving Berlin
I've played a number of roles over the years. a dog, in first grade. a penguin, in second grade. a soothsayer, in 5th grade. a news station director, in 7th(?) grade. a priest and the ghost of Banquo, in some high school projects.
none of these roles was particularly hard for me to pull off. these characters were all either insignificant to the overarching story or had no character development. except Banquo, but playing a ghost honestly ain't that hard.
anyway, let's cut to today. the character I'm playing in this production I'm in is emotionally complex, to say the least. he goes between caring and aggressive right quick, which can be difficult to pull off sometimes.
I think what gives me the most trouble with acting, though, is the expression. I'm not a very expressive person. as a child I talked back to my parents a lot and vented my frustrations quite openly. this led to me getting video game/TV/computer/etc. privileges getting taken away. which as a kid was probbo one of the worst things that could happen. ha ha!
anyway, I learned quite early on that it was best for me to hide my emotions as best as possible. no speaking up for myself, no matter how badly I wanted to. no making eye contact during arguments, lest it be taken as a challenge to authority. no stomping, no fist-slamming, no toy-throwing.
and in this play, wow! I get to yell and stomp to my heart's content. I get to look my fellow actors and actresses in the eye as I confront and berate them. I get to release all the pent-up frustration and anxiety of life itself and channel it into my acting.
good, right?
I used to think so, but now I'm not so sure. last week we ran the climax of the play and I yelled more forcefully than I have in a frickton of fortnights. everyone loved it. people cried. people were massively shook. I was pleased with my performance.
after rehearsal, I went back to my dorm and cried in the shower for a while.
I still don't know why I got so weepy. was it the emotional strain of performing such an important scene? was it the fear associated with being too expressive? was it because I was scared of my own anger and anxiety, and that all the emotion I poured out was actually real?
that last option scares me the most. obviously I don't hate my fellow actors/actresses. they're some of the most talented and genuine people I know! I have no reason to be mad at them.
but all the "staged" ire that I'm portraying through my character... I'm afraid it might be real. and to be quite honest, I find that kinda terrifying.
maybe this is good for me. maybe this is the catharsis I need to process my emotions more comprehensively. maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
nevertheless, I have to continue giving my all to this production. as they say, the show must go on.
- There's No Business Like Show Business, Irving Berlin
I've played a number of roles over the years. a dog, in first grade. a penguin, in second grade. a soothsayer, in 5th grade. a news station director, in 7th(?) grade. a priest and the ghost of Banquo, in some high school projects.
none of these roles was particularly hard for me to pull off. these characters were all either insignificant to the overarching story or had no character development. except Banquo, but playing a ghost honestly ain't that hard.
anyway, let's cut to today. the character I'm playing in this production I'm in is emotionally complex, to say the least. he goes between caring and aggressive right quick, which can be difficult to pull off sometimes.
I think what gives me the most trouble with acting, though, is the expression. I'm not a very expressive person. as a child I talked back to my parents a lot and vented my frustrations quite openly. this led to me getting video game/TV/computer/etc. privileges getting taken away. which as a kid was probbo one of the worst things that could happen. ha ha!
anyway, I learned quite early on that it was best for me to hide my emotions as best as possible. no speaking up for myself, no matter how badly I wanted to. no making eye contact during arguments, lest it be taken as a challenge to authority. no stomping, no fist-slamming, no toy-throwing.
and in this play, wow! I get to yell and stomp to my heart's content. I get to look my fellow actors and actresses in the eye as I confront and berate them. I get to release all the pent-up frustration and anxiety of life itself and channel it into my acting.
good, right?
I used to think so, but now I'm not so sure. last week we ran the climax of the play and I yelled more forcefully than I have in a frickton of fortnights. everyone loved it. people cried. people were massively shook. I was pleased with my performance.
after rehearsal, I went back to my dorm and cried in the shower for a while.
I still don't know why I got so weepy. was it the emotional strain of performing such an important scene? was it the fear associated with being too expressive? was it because I was scared of my own anger and anxiety, and that all the emotion I poured out was actually real?
that last option scares me the most. obviously I don't hate my fellow actors/actresses. they're some of the most talented and genuine people I know! I have no reason to be mad at them.
but all the "staged" ire that I'm portraying through my character... I'm afraid it might be real. and to be quite honest, I find that kinda terrifying.
maybe this is good for me. maybe this is the catharsis I need to process my emotions more comprehensively. maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
nevertheless, I have to continue giving my all to this production. as they say, the show must go on.
Friday, April 6, 2018
🧠 brooding
"I'm jealous, I'm overzealous
When I'm down I get real down
When I'm high I don't come down"
- Issues, Julia Michaels
A♭ major is a weird key.
it's right up there with F# minor in terms of angst. there's a certain amount of raw emotion and underlying distress that comes with songs in this key.
A♭ is not my favorite key. that would be G♭ major.
I've been in my head a lot for the past few weeks. playing logic chess against myself. weighing options and probabilities. making up a lot of weird shiz in my head, dreaming dreams that seem doomed to fail.
A♭ has been my light in the darkness. a source of comfort amidst mental anguish and the weight of ~life itself~ (roll credits)
the reason G♭ became my favorite key is because it is also emotionally charged and it helped me get through some tough times.
if G♭ is catharsis, A♭ is distress. quite the contrast, isn't it? but you know what they say - distressing times call for distressing songs. don't quote me on that.
as Red says in The Shawshank Redemption, "Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane". remaining hopeful during a hopeless endeavor never ends well.
A♭ C E. that's the chord for me.
When I'm down I get real down
When I'm high I don't come down"
- Issues, Julia Michaels
A♭ major is a weird key.
it's right up there with F# minor in terms of angst. there's a certain amount of raw emotion and underlying distress that comes with songs in this key.
A♭ is not my favorite key. that would be G♭ major.
I've been in my head a lot for the past few weeks. playing logic chess against myself. weighing options and probabilities. making up a lot of weird shiz in my head, dreaming dreams that seem doomed to fail.
A♭ has been my light in the darkness. a source of comfort amidst mental anguish and the weight of ~life itself~ (roll credits)
the reason G♭ became my favorite key is because it is also emotionally charged and it helped me get through some tough times.
if G♭ is catharsis, A♭ is distress. quite the contrast, isn't it? but you know what they say - distressing times call for distressing songs. don't quote me on that.
as Red says in The Shawshank Redemption, "Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane". remaining hopeful during a hopeless endeavor never ends well.
A♭ C E. that's the chord for me.
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